Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Equivocation

How pictures lie and truth defy
Smiling faces hide a tear in the eye

Of hearts joined and a loving life
Are pretenses put up to hide strife ?

I fail to see the point being made
To evade whom do we equivocate?

Our scars and wounds are proofs
Of having lived the way we choose

Life is a stage, and an honest play
Is all we need to be happy and gay

Saturday, November 22, 2014

The Story Cookpot


A writers dilemma : just poured itself out in verse form. Poems come more easily to me !!

Hey friends hark!!
A story is in the making
Its still brewing in the cook pot
Have added the main characters
Now flavours and dressing are it's lot..
What should I cook?
Something delicate or fragrant
Or something spicy and hot,
Something sweet and sugary
Or something with sauces fraught?
What should I write?
Should I make it lighthearted
Or go with a serious thought
Should love be its central theme
or should life be it's plot?

Friday, November 21, 2014

Am I really Strong?

Am I strong, resilient, dogged even?

I have been appreciated by many with these words since Raman passed away. Some find it appreciable that I am facing a life-changing and decisive event with strength. Others find it strange that I am able to laugh, smile and dress up. Still some other find it objectionable that I am not shedding copious tears at the sudden and irreparable loss. They ask each other whether I have I taken it lightly or taken it my stride.

It makes them wonder and the fact of the matter is that it makes me wonder too.

No! not their commentaries or interest though its quite wonderful to know that you are thought about and discussed so much, yet what makes me wonder is that this so called strong and resilient attitude comes to me in the natural course of things. I draw on this will to live from an inherent source not having to do any special digging in my hearts resources or soul searching

How it developed, this attitude or this quality to face life head on, I am not sure. Definitely upbringing; therefore parents had a big part to play and thank God for them. Then schooling, the lovely teachers and friends, and experiences also moulded it. But its in my make-up. It comes out naturally in difficult circumstances. A manufacturing defect - as Raman used to say.

Life goes on! I am me first in addition to being a wife, a mother, a daughter-in-law and so on. I value my existence, in fact I prize it.  I have loved these roles and still do but then i love myself too. I love myself more because I have gained and been able to retain this confidence after a turbulent, still very difficult but enriching life.

Love, the memories of it, still flood my nights and solitary moments but if I get weighed down by them how will I go on. They are my happy treasure and I preserve them in the deepest folds of my being. But I cant afford to be shocked and helpless all the time. I cant let my life drown in a deluge of unhappiness and tears. That would be the most unworthy tribute to a man who always encouraged me to be my own woman and blossom.

So here I am smiling, working and moving on not because I am strong, solid, resilient, frigid or cold but just because I am.

P.S : To those whom this bothers I offer no explanations or justification because I have none.







Sunday, November 9, 2014

Ugly Voids

Promises meant to be broken
Words not meant only spoken

Intentions only expressed
Intended to be unfulfilled

Love has dried down
Rendering hearts frozen

The minds more shallow
The world a bit more hollow

Now things fill the empty spaces
Like ugly blotches on pretty faces 

Friday, October 31, 2014

Of God

All Gods invoked
All worshipped
Without asking why?

Does that bring peace
Or a bit of solace
Not even an inkling

My God resides with me
My own soul and mind
That can only bring peace

He dwells in my spirit
Fills my heart with eternity
My harbinger of strength

PS : All the diwali/Pooja fervour watched with a detached almost dejected heart this year brought ne to closer to this spirit in myself)

Friday, October 3, 2014

The Spider

I had wanted to shake it off,
But it has me in its web again
The life-spider spinning its cast
Throwing the silk on me unknown
Shrouding me in its deluding hues
Making me its next unwitting victim

But deep within this worldly web
dwells your light in my central core
washing me aglow and saving my soul
I live in your umbrage lighted from inside
Your voice, your touch, your thoughts
in an everlasting symbiosis,defying the spider







Saturday, September 13, 2014

Many People, Many Meetings

Random people,
Different meetings
Some concurrent
Some disparate
Having made love,
Having broken up

Have you deceived them?
Yes , you did
Cant be justified
You let life lead you
Without restraint
Without remorse

Are you guilty?
To One I think
The one who truly loved you
Rest don’t deserve a thought
You lived in the moment
Just the way they did

Is it a good score then?
Why not :tis good enough
So many betrayals
So many blows
It was just enough
That I let them go

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Love's Chimera

Beckoning , enticing, begins the chase
Beguiling, fooling, a charm is spun
Enveloping, enfolding in an opium-cloud
Tightening , trapping  in its vice grip

Raising its monster-head, engulfs
Hissing its fiery breath, scalds
Brushing with its scaly tail, bruises
Love’s Chimera then devours forever

Friday, August 29, 2014

Your Etchings

Crystal clear images
Three dimensional
Never fading
Never ending

One day 
Your left profile
Standing in wait
And then waving

Another day
Your mouth open
Your eyes twinkling
A naughty crooked smile

Another day
You sit working 
while tending to me
Checking, glancing sideways

Yet another day 
your pretended sulk
and that cut on your finger
instantly healed with a kiss

And that final day
Your hands in my hands
Your tears on my cheek
Your head in my lap

Time and age may blur
My vision and my mind,yet
Your images are crystal clear
Forever etched on the heart.





Saturday, August 9, 2014

Unexpected Gestures

Yesterday at a high end cafe we, my son and I had a different kind of experience. No charm if I don't spin a story around it! So let's begin from the beginning now.It was a forced holiday as we were both in a bit of blues. All day mother and son had been planning an outing. Somehow it didn't workout.
After I picked him from his coaching we went to a mall where he wanted to have a really nice pastry. So we chose this really nice cafe - or Kaffe as it was mentioned on the exclusive menu. It was a lovely place, courteous staff, lots of beautiful flowers and nicely arranged lighting and tables. We were seduced and decided to sit down and eat. 

I really liked the pineapple and mint infused drinking water they served. As we ate we were both chatting about the people around and how the same people whom we had met and had a tiff with at the parking lot a bit earlier had just walked in. 
We had till then failed to notice a burly young man sitting next to our table.I had glanced back and had noticed him being served with beer and peanuts and I was a bit perturbed that I had brought my fifteen year old to a place where beer was being served. But in all truthfulness had failed to even look at the man who was drinking the beer.

Now one cheesecake confection wouldn't really satisfy a fifteen year old lad, would it? So one more was ordered despite my frowning at the unnecessary indulgence. Now I noticed that we were being watched so I kind of threw a courteous smile at our neighbour. He only nodded back and kept on staring. Now I was a bit more disturbed and apprehensive. So we asked for the bill and I started rummaging through my wallet.

Just then the neighbour spoke up," Excuse me!" He said, we were both startled and looked at him directly. " If you don't mind could I please have the pleasure to pay your bill" We were simply taken aback. "No thanks" I answered curtly.
"No I insist. Its not out of any kindness but only love." He said. "Here we go again!" I thought,"Another suitor". 
His next line gave my just bolstered ego a rude shock. "Your son reminds me of my younger brother" he said. " I have come to India from US for two months and am all alone here". 

I was left speechless and just didn't have the heart to act self-sufficient in face of this beautifully unexpected gesture. We thanked him and the waiter took our bill to his table. Exchanging numbers we left him in his solitude. 

Never in my almost 40 year old life had I experienced this and I guess I wont even in the next 40 ; if I live to being that old but it did change something in me. I had given up on little gestures and kindnesses, forgetting to carry them out them as I had not experienced the same from anyone in a long time. This one incident restored my faith and I renewed my scout and guides promise to do one good deed a day.

P.S.: If thats how they treat you in the US of A then its definitely a place worth going to!! 

The Dual Me

I am a dichotomy
Two people in one
Outside turned inside

Crisp multiple layers 
With a soft centre
Deliciously deceptive

A Strong fa├žade
But open windows
Vulnerably defensive

And now I alone
Seek the key to
Find the dual me

It was only love
Pity they all failed
To decipher the code


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Twigs

Broken twigs don't
Make a strong nest

Love is a delusion
Fascinating in its trance

Stark realities hard facts
Life has such gifts to offer

Use them and offer yourself
Both way the grind is yours

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Humane

We do not make love
we only make hate
like animals
to breed to multiply

yes we copulate
to satisfy our carnality
we are left with that
rest we have shed

falling below animality
we are not humane
once named humans

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Stopped

Life goes on
Everyone repeatedly,tells me that 
Yes It does
The sun rises and sets

The night falls 
Eyelids heavy, I fall asleep
Waking in cold sweat
Thinking through morning

Grieving for you
Grieving for us, our life
Which was still to unfold
Facing it alone

I promise to dream
Dream your dreams, make them live
Because once you said
Life goes on...but I am stopped

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Let it Be!!

A vague connection
That led you to me
a latent spark
that fired two hearts

A kindred bond
between our two souls
An unbridled attraction
Entangling us for life

A heartening tie
That refuses to weaken
and brings me peace
calm, joy and happiness

A river flowing its course
With waters pure pristine
Fresh, cool and life giving
We flow with the flow of love

I could go on and on
Describe it in words
But to put a name to it
Will make it common

I refuse to inquire
Lets give up the inquiry
Not give it more thought
Let us just let it be!

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

My Poems


My poems are words

Which meant for someone

The whole world reads

And I only hope they reach

That soul's cosmic realms

When they beat in human hearts

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Smoulder



I once had fire in me, all had seen it
Yes it had made me aglow with hope
It had burnt in me, fueled my soul
to surge high, like a hot-air balloon

Then your love, my ultimate folly
smothered it down, put it out
My heart grew soft and green
A lovely bloom there bloomed

Your disdain re-kindled the smoulder
Like the earth I trembled and settled
time and again,from my unseen wounds
my blood lava flowed and spluttered

The fire still glows unseen
It now burns me within, my veins glow
It is vaulted in my core, I am volcanic
One day when it erupts and annihilates me

Don't act foolish and touch me
Presume that I am harmless still
My body though would be cold and white
still I know your fingers it will surely scald

Don't light my pyre, beware, I forbid you
It wont burn if you do, wont catch fire
Let my only flower do the onerous task
and let him blow my ashes into the air.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Passion


The other day I was teaching words to a student and he asked me what Passion meant?

For a moment I was baffled …I didn’t know how to explain a word and believe you me, it rarely happens. How do you explain passion, a word that has so much emotion attached to it? The intensity cannot be explained. I then told him that it was an abstract noun like love or hate for that matter but it signified more intense feeling. Lust is also a passion for that matter

Passion is one’s ardour or desire for someone. Let’s first deconstruct this myth that in coveting that person we love him or her, instead we tend to objectify that individual and from there stems my dislike for this kind of passion. Having exercised the same when young I realized that it was disastrous; disastrous not only to the relationship but also to one’s own self worth.  Not only does it take away the other person’s freedom and sense of individuality but also it makes you dependent and less ambitious. So this one has to be kept in check, the passion I feel should be directed to the relationship, keeping it alive and interesting and not towards the person.

Passion for things material is still more destructive; it puts you into harness and never lets you relax. The mad fury for money and things it can buy drives you into a pursuit which leaves you burnt out and empty. In order to pursue the ‘good things in life’ or rather the best things in life one first ignores and then forgets the simple pleasures of life. We ignore our parents, friends, spouse and children in this mad rat-race and by the time we realize that it was all futile, its too late. Passion for your work and ambition is natural and appreciable too; but the mad rush and greed is ignoble and avoidable too. I was exposed to this kind of cut-throat competitive world in the B-school. That I was appalled would be putting it too mildly, I was flummoxed , felt out of place and miserable and realized very early on that I would never succeed in the man-eat-man business world.

Another kind of passion is your passion for the finer joys of life, reading, music, meditation, dance, sport, painting, sculpting and much more. This passion can be enjoyed unbridled. It brings you satisfaction and pleasure. It keeps you calm and gives your natural abilities and charm a fillip. Ask a painter how he loves to see his hands covered with paint blotches, a sculptor who loves the aroma of wet mud or a book lover who touches the yellowed pages of an old book with tender love and care. Blessed are those who can find a vocation in their suchlike passions. Their paintings come alive, their sculptures speak and their books are their friends.

I find myself fortunate to be able to direct my passion to my work. It made me consider my life-partner his own individual self with his own pursuits and interests. Also I found satisfaction and pleasure though not too much money in writing, reading and teaching. It gave a certain meaning to my life and I a degree of satisfaction which I am sure I could never have achieved in any other walk of life. Any attempt to deviate still falls flat.  I gained peace and calm and now am heading towards a more spiritual and an easy to live in world. 

Friday, May 9, 2014

A Living Shell

Stark Room
Cold Bed
Wet Pillow
Bloodshot Eyes
and A Shattered Dream

Living Shell
Deadened Heart
Empty Mind
Listless Limbs
and A Fettered Soul

Life Runs
Love Stops
We Walk
They Call
and An Ongoing Circus







Friday, May 2, 2014

Nothing

no tune or song
no poem or lyric
no book or words
no phrase or quote

this aching void

this constant ache
this lone dry tear
this silent scream

nothing obliterates

nothing diminishes
And I live on,
Unable to let go 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

I Would Have Waited


I would have waited
Waited for you to 
go soaring to your skies
and touch your dreams
to long for home and
come back to my embrace



I would have waited 
Waited for you to
Envelope me in your arms
sweep me off my feet
To show me the world 
with you forever beside me

Yes I would have waited 
waited forever to
hear your voice and 
see your eyes mirror me
But you never asked and
The wait is now an eternity 



Friday, March 14, 2014

Permissions







Did I need permission to be born
Was I not an an act of love
Why then need to chain me down?

Are fetters not that...don't they bind
Was I not like the free breeze
Why then tame to suffocate ?

Am I not from the same yoke as you
Born equal but made unequal by custom
Why then strive to clip my wings?

Am I not other half of this entity we form
Do I not bear an equal burden, share
Why then oppress and belittle?

Born as free I was as all else
for me, myself and my own
Free to live and free to die
















Sunday, February 16, 2014

Competition or Contentment

You will face tough competition this week!! This line in my weekly horoscope today has set me thinking; thinking about competition in the context of my life today and realising that there is none: no competition whatsoever. 

Is it then a zen state of being that I have achieved? A state where I don't feel the need to keep up with anyone, anything or any pretenses. Or is this, as my father would say, giving up? Its neither, its only that I have just let go and become content.

The earliest memory of being highly competitive is from school; class V maybe or even earlier. I had to be the group leader, the class monitor, the house captain, the teachers' favourite and the class topper. No one else fought so hard for these coveted positions as I did losing in the process the chances to befriend several classmates. I was looked upon as the girl who will rat on their pranks and spoil the fun. Going to high school or bada school as we called it, I tamed myself a little and felt the need for good friends so I relinquished some space, but very little in fact too little.

I still had to be the high scorer, the best dancer, the best sports girl, the best instrumentalist, the best speaker, the best this and the best that. Today I understand that many people thought of me as haughty and arrogant. I lost many potential friends and maybe even lost out on the love of my life. I came across as a difficult person to trust and get along with. I realise now that in being unreasonably competitive I held a very narrow vision, I lacked actual ambition. By the time I was in college academics took a back seat. That it was a case of burnout or that in humanities stream I didn't face any competition or may be both , I don't know. 

But Hey! There was still a lot to compete for. Relationships took the fore, my friends had to be mine only and there were twinges of jealousy if another pair had a better equation. I couldn't bear to see my boyfriend talk to another woman and felt ignored. The competition now became a complex of the inferior kind. I was jealous, insecure and enclosed myself in my shell. It was misplaced competition, the energy instead should have been utilised for long term gains like a career and a stable income.

As the family grew so did the rat race, better clothes, better shoes, better jewellery, better schools for children, a better house, a better car; all better than THEM. THEM here encompassed all the people around me. I had to be the best. I competed for praise, attention, love and care not knowing that I was bringing friction in my ties. Friends and relatives were wary of me. Some didn't want to involve themselves and some hated me for being good just as I hated them for being better. It became a vicious circle.

To make the best of what you have is good, to strive for improvement in all spheres of life is still better but its destroying when you peg your happiness on being better than others. I have now realised that contentment rather competition is important. 

Contentment comes from being able to stand for your loved ones and family. Contentment comes when your child respects you for being a good mother. Contentment comes when my two little nieces tell everyone that they are their aunt's 'Lados'. Contentment comes when all your friends are concerned for you after they read a disturbing status. Last but not the least contentment comes when your life-partner stays by your side and lets you do your own thing but wont do his own thing without you. 

So whatever the horoscope might say I know that I have no competition now! I compete only with the self and strive to love it ,nurture it and be satisfied with all the Love that God has showered on me.




Friday, February 14, 2014

Love Is?

Its a verb they say
Its defunct I say, so
How can it denote action

It gives life they say
Its meaningless I say, so
How can it provide succour

Its nothing but a word
A word that maddens the world
A thing that destroys the self

On this day of love
I give up on the word, and 
I renounce the Idea

its a concept as unworthy
As the people who profess love
and don't value the being of another.